AIDS, it isn't going away!

Since my infection early in 1996 with HIV, I've been on several different drug cocktails as prescribed by various doctors, none of which have actually assisted me in establishing better health.  It seems that I am one of those persons that the HIV drugs don't like, as each time I've tried them I've had bad reactions.  The last attempt caused the decision to no longer even try to take any further HIV drugs.  With this decision comes some consequences, which I am painfully aware.  Sometimes I wonder if my decision isn't more about me not really desiring to linger any further in this physical realm than it is about the side affects of the drugs.  There are many times I believe this to be so, for when I make the decision to enjoy this life, my health improves, but when I'm not enjoying it and loose sight of those things that give me happiness, then my health rapidly declines.

Such is the case lately.  Knowing that I should have departed back in 2003, the Universe kept me here for some reason, was it so I could establish a good relationship with my father, to help some clients realize their dreams, or did I still have something to learn.  Whatever the reason, I have remained for the last 7 years.  As my health declines now, I seek no medical care, only that of making the pains bearable.  Since having Neurosyphilis, being hospitalized for a month, being nearly completely blind for 6 months, and then believing I was to die within the coming year, I've had many thoughts about my life.  Now my eye sight stays blurry, there is a constant ringing in my ears, there is pain in just getting around, and the ever increasing night fevers along with the worsening sinus infection I'm sure will lead to my desire being realized.

I'm not writing this to cause anyone who might read this alarm, but because, and especially so if you've kept up with my other blogs, I have to write about my experiences.  These blogs of mine will be the only things I leave behind.  I have nothing now, barely a few clothes, a laptop, and my backpack.  Someone said recently, "he's doing the Buddhist thing," when commenting about my sleeping arrangements of just a blanket and some pillows on the floor.  There is a strange peace about not having a lot of things around me now, although I have written letters to my sister and father about trying to obtain everything I left in Louisiana, but today I've decided not to send those letters.  I won't be needing anything.

My last blood work in July, which I purposefully haven't read, and accidentally discovered in some papers that are now part of my Case Management referral papers (all the various forms I need to obtain services from the various AIDS Service Organizations here in Dallas.).  When I read them this morning, I understood why my doctor in Austin was so insistent upon me taking the drugs again.  With numbers like mine are or were back then, then I'm sure they have only worsened, which explains how I've been feeling lately.

There have been many dreams of things I would have liked to have accomplished but those boats never set sail.  My life has been the life of one who has already lived more lifetimes within this one experience than most do.  From designing sets for Bob Hope, to establishing friendships with congressmen, to being a Southern Baptist Preacher, and even more things too numerous to mention now (but you can read about my adventures in my other Blog, lol, just be prepared to spend a year reading it all.)  I've known great passion, I've known great people, I've known heart ache, the one thing I haven't known much of is the thing everyone talks about, LOVE.  I remember the one man I've loved and how deeply I did love then, I remember the two women I loved and how special they both are to me, even now.  Thanks Martha Meda Taylor for being such a great representation of Christ upon the earth, Thanks Ellen Rose Synder for teaching me how to enjoy just being myself, especially how to swing (I really did enjoy our dates of finding swing sets around town and swinging on them for hours.).  Some say I'm gay, but when I look back, I see the people I have loved, some men, some women.  So maybe it's time we put aside the silly notions of homosexual, heterosexual, or anysexual and just allow everyone the freedom to love whoever they happen to fall in love with.

Now I have to increase the font sizes just to read the webpages, use reading glasses to read my phone, and struggle to remain calm when I'm furiating inside (no matter how hard I try at times, it just explodes, but then recently I found out that one of the side affects of the Neurosyphilis damage can cause severe emotional issues, something I didn't realize nor have sought assistance with, but I'm sure all of my friends and family would say that I do need mental health assistance.  Tonight, I'm just tired, worn out, feeling that I have nothing left for this world, that my craziness has burned too many bridges.  Tonight I'm ready, so I just hope the new doctor here in Dallas will understand his role in all of this and not push for me taking the HIV drugs, but to allow me the drugs I desire to have a dignified end of life, and hopefully, not in a hospital.

There might be more thoughts at some point, but for now I just wanted to get all of these thoughts out of my head so I can sleep.  Tonight I'm ending everything I've counted on from the past for an income, letting most of the old go the way it has shown me, as I prepare myself through meditation, music, and walks with Gracie, my protector (I even told her tonight she didn't have to keep watch over me, it was all OK and the way it is supposed to be), but she is still laying at my feet.  At this moment my eyes struggle to even see the light and dark on the page, so I'm going to close with this simple, heart felt, Thank You to everyone that has ever been in my life.  Your kindness, love, graciousness, friendships, and so much more have meant a lot to me, even though I may have lost contact with you.

Good night for now.

AN UPDATE:  December 19, 2010
After an in-depth discussion with my doctor, I've decided to begin taking a new HIV medication called Atripla.  Although this medication contains one of the drugs I had problems with in the past, I decided it was my best option.  I don't always remember to take drugs every four, five, or six hours.  This pill is being added to my nightly pill intake, so all I have to do is remember to take my pills every night before bedtime.  I've been on Atripla now for almost a month with no side affects.  The pill is easy to swallow, I remember to take it once a day, and I hope is doing its work on fighting the HIV infection.  I have decided that I have a lot of things yet to accomplish in life, so I'm sticking around.