Seven Days, One Week, Until

Seven days, one week, until another year has passed in this physical reality of time and I'll be 49. So much has happened in the last year. My thoughts wander to times past, of laughing with my grandmother, fist fighting with my mother's husband, of my wonderful animal friends I grew up with (especially my baby goat I hand raised, who was brutally shot by a mean old neighbor), of riding my horses every day, of family camp outs filled with entertainment, of places I've lived, of people long since not a part of my life but never forgotten, of dancing through the night, and so many memories of my last 48 years. My grandmother was my greatest fan, she supported me in ways that no one else understood. She was a gracious, loving, and caring woman and we shared many laughs over the years. To this day I still miss her, but I know her energy has always been with me. She used to say, “It's not the years, it's the miles.” I understand her now, as the years are relatively few, but the miles are many.

There are moments you remember all of your life, and those wonderful moments, even the sad ones, fill my mind. As I tell my friends and my doctors, “I've lived a thousand lifetimes within my years, especially considering that most people never even live, not even for a moment.” I've lived, boy have I lived. Freedom has always been the motivating factor for many of the key decisions that have shaped my life, favoring it over love, family, and even some friends. Yes, I'm free, but there are times when I ponder to reflect why and ask myself, “what have I missed?”

Living single, with only one real love, I suppose there are two (Larry and Ellen). Yes, a man and a woman, both beautiful beings who brought love and laughter into my life. If there are ever times to question the idea of gay or straight, I can see the questions in your eyes. I've always preferred relationships with men, but at the same time I have always found women most delightful company. I'm free, but at this moment, I question at what cost. There is a price to pay for everything, every decision, every action, and I've paid the price for my freedom. I see friends with husbands, wives, boyfriends, and such and curiously drift into thoughts of those I said no to so long ago, favoring my freedom over their love. What did I miss, will I make it up in the next life, will the lessons learned in this life guide me further in the next?

Pictures are always in mind, even though I do not have the actual photos now. I can see the old Chevy truck with the camper, the horse trailers, the boats, the motorcycles, and the old log cabin. I see me running happily with my new colt, which I was so proud to have. I see the wrestling and boxing matches with my older brother, even the day I kicked his butt and left him crying on the floor, all because he said, “I'm going to keep kicking your butt until you can kick mine.” Such are those moments that have shaped my life, brought me to the place of “I am.” It was those moments, those hurts, pains, loves, laughter, and triumphs that brought me here.

Is there more in this life for me? Whatever it is, I'm sure it will all be revealed, but for now, I'm content in knowing that I have lived my life for me, not based upon the ideas or limitations of religions, family, or society. Yes, there are moments you remember all your life. Even now, as I struggle to listen to one of my favorite singers, I hear what should be a sweet melody and soulful voice as shrieks and pounds upon my ears. The song is special and the message one I shall embrace.

Loreena Mckennitt: “Night Ride Across The Caucasus” Lyrics

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

There are visions, there are memories

There are echoes of thundering hooves

There are fires, there is laughter

There's the sound of a thousand doves

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

In the velvet of the darkness

By the silhouette of silent trees

They are watching, they are waiting

They are witnessing life's mysteries

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Cascading stars on the slumbering hills

They are dancing as far as the sea

Riding o'er the land, you can feel its gentle hand

Leading on to its destiny

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Take me with you on this journey

Where the boundaries of time are now tossed

In cathedrals of the forest

In the words of the tongues now lost

Find the answers, ask the questions

Find the roots of an ancient tree

Take me dancing, take me singing

I'll ride on till the moon meets the sea

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Ride on Through the night Ride on

Find the answers, ask the questions, find the roots of an ancient tree is how most of my friends would describe I've lived my life. Now, the message portrays a different idea, take me dancing, take me singing, I'll ride on till the moon meets the sea, Take me with you on this journey where the boundaries of time are now tossed, In cathedrals of the forest, In the words of the tongues now lost. Adventures await and I shall live as I have, free, outspoken, creative, and incorrigible.

Question for now: What are your 'moments you remember all your life' and have you lived, lived to enjoy the beauty in the smallest flower, lived to marvel at the sunrise, lived to feel the spray of a cooling ocean mist upon your face, lived and loved, and lived by questioning everything?