I Give Up!

"I give up!"  For weeks now the struggle rages on; the fighters jib, jamb, and tossle, but the final outcome is yet unknown.  The only thought is to give up, to stop struggling, to stop fighting, to stop hoping, to stop all together.  The darkness of the desperate place doen't lend itself to much brightness, thus the only hope is the periodic sunshine offered by the love of a sweet, ever protective, always near and present black dog name Gracie.  My mental struggles seem as dark as her black coat of hair, but she is the current light, the one constant companion who doesn't seem to care how I feel, act, or achieve.

For weeks now I have raged against all that there is to achieve an income from sources of the past, but perhaps what was shall no longer be.  Applying for a job after not really working for over 9 years seems almost futile, especially these days when everyone is trying to find any type of work.  Thus, I give up.  I'm growing more and more tired, the eye sight is becoming more and more distorted and blurry.  The only thing that seems to bring any rest are the nightly sleeping pills.  For when there is sleep, there is no thought for the struggles of the day.

Perhaps that is why I sleep so much, so I won't have to face the day.  Months ago I gave up everything I owned so I could leave an atmosphere of very negative energies.  I often wonder if I shouldn't have gone ahead and used that rifle while I sat in my chair, for then all of these struggles wouldn't exist.

Sleeping on the floor in a sparcely furnished room, my only companion is Gracie, curled up at my feet on the blanket.  Tonight I didn't take the sleeping pill, but I just took it, as I have to sleep.  What will the morrow bring, I do not know.  Will I be able to recover and rebuild at the age of 48?  Do I even desire to try?  The only thought is, "I give up!"

This simple thought may be the catalyst to finding the peace I desire, as maybe, just maybe, there will be an end to what is and a beginning of something more, just without this physical form.  I grow tired, more and more every day, my teeth hurt and need repair, my body aches and there are signs of this illness progressing.  Should I go see a doctor, the only answer is NO, as I have no desire to know what is really happening, just the hope that things might end soon, hopefully soon, so this will all be over.  After years of struggling, years of people around me only treating me badly, years of spending everything I had, years of emotional turmoil, now the one thought remains and resounds with every tick of the clock, "I give up!"

Today, "I give up!"  Let the fates determine my path, as I will no longer seek to determine or even hope what path there should be taken.  I've reached a point where I just no longer care, even the recent adventures don't hold any joy, only the knowledge of the failure, the pain, and the loss.  Today, "I give up!"